Over the years, I’ve come to see that there are really only two kinds of selling.
You could call them pushing and pulling.
Pushing is probably the style most often taught.
It’s about persuading, convincing, or enticing someone to buy what we’re offering. It often takes the form of a “pitch” built around features, benefits, and carefully chosen language, with the hope that something will land.
Pulling begins in a completely different place.
Rather than trying to convince, you focus on connection. You listen deeply, ask questions, and genuinely seek to understand what matters to the other person.
Only then – and with their permission – do you explore whether you might be able to help.
What really drives each style
For a long time, I thought the difference between these two approaches was mainly about behaviour and communication skills.
I believed that if I could just learn the right techniques, ask the perfect questions, and say the right things, I’d get better results.
But experience taught me otherwise.
I noticed that some people who seemed to pay very little attention to technique were incredibly effective. Clients trusted them. Conversations flowed naturally. People felt comfortable around them.
Meanwhile, others who worked hard on scripts, structure, and techniques often struggled to create the same impact.
That puzzled me for years.
Then I came across an understanding of the human mind that changed how I saw everything.
At the heart of it is a very simple insight:
Our behaviour flows from our state of mind.
In other words, people respond far less to the words we use than to the feeling behind them.
And once I saw that, so much started to make sense.
Pushing tends to come from a feeling of pressure
When we push, it tends to be because we’re attached to the outcome. We feel we need the need to be impressive, the meeting to go well, and the client to say yes.
But when that pressure is present, clients often feel it too.
Not consciously perhaps, but psychologically. And it creates an invisible barrier.
Instead of feeling connected to us, they feel the weight of our agenda.
Pulling is different
Pulling comes from a quieter state of mind, a feeling of ease, and less self-consciousness.
And when we feel at ease, our client is far more likely to relax as well.
That’s when conversations become real and when trust grows.
And ironically, that’s often when people become far more open to working with us.
Something worth reflecting on
Most people can sense when someone is trying to get something from them.
And most people naturally resist it.
But they rarely resist being deeply listened to, understood, and genuinely cared about.
Perhaps that’s why the most effective people are often not the ones trying hardest to sell.
They’re the ones most present and least caught up in their thinking.
The ones willing to slow down enough to truly connect.
So maybe the real question isn’t:
“What sales technique should I?”
Maybe it’s:
“What feeling am I bringing into the conversation?”
Because the quality of your state of mind will have far more impact than any technique you’ve ever learned.
And when you stop trying to push…
You may discover people naturally begin to move towards you and following your lead.
PS. How do you have clients sell financial planning to themselves? Click here.
