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The power of the pause: why silence in conversations matters

How comfortable are you with silence in a conversation?

The reason I ask is because we are culturally conditioned to leave very small gaps when we speak to each other. 

Lady gesturing 'silence' with her hand by her mouth

I used to enjoy watching ‘The late late show’ when Craig Ferguson was the host. He would finish the interview with each guest with an ‘awkward pause’. This was often very funny (click here to watch) because he was playing on the fact that we find silence uncomfortable.

Yet if you want your client conversations to have greater impact and lead to better outcomes then silence will play an important part.

Becoming comfortable with silence

Some of my clients have remarked to me that they have never experienced so much space in a conversation before.

But I never started out in that way.

I used to feel uncomfortable with silence and would speak when I should have stayed quiet. Although I didn’t realise it at the time I was making it all about me and how I felt.

I have since learned that the willingness to allow silence is incredibly important. Not as a tactic to employ but as a way of mindfully giving someone space to reflect and think.

Where is the most value created?

A justified criticism of the financial advice ‘industry’ is that it is too transaction orientated.

Yet things are changing and if personal financial advice is to remain relevant, sought after, and profitable then it must move beyond a transactional model.

Central to this is for practitioners to understand that the conversations between them and their client is what is most valuable to the client (when conducted in the right way).

When is silence appropriate?

What really changed things for me was beginning to understand that the most value someone could get from our conversations was their own insights. In other words, they realised something or made a connection they had not previously made.

When you are asking deeper and more probing questions from a place of genuine curiosity then you must allow someone time and space to reflect. 

For instance, imagine exploring questions such as:

*What do you really want?

*What keeps you in a job you hate?

*What stops you living the live you want?

*What is your biggest financial fear?

*If I could wave a magic wand and eliminate any problem or challenge right now, what would that be?

*What is the real issue?

Questions such as these will often need silence whilst you allow your client to think. 

If you are making a critical point to a client or challenging them then silence is what allows what you are saying to sink in and have an impact.

The main point is that we want to avoid jumping in because we feel uncomfortable with silence. Be aware that silence is incredibly important and allow your client the space to think.

PS. If you found this article useful you may also enjoy this one on asking essential financial planning questions.

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John Dashfield spent 14 years as a self-employed adviser. Since 2006 he has been a coach, mentor and author helping advisers create transformations in their business and personal lives.

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John Dashfield spent 14 years as a self-employed adviser. Since 2006 he has been a coach, mentor and author helping advisers create transformations in their business and personal lives.

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